January 3, 2012
It's exactly 12 weeks until March 27th – the day I've planned to start my NOBO thru-hike of the AT. I hate my body. I just looked in the mirror again and I am disgusted and depressed. I have really let myself go, something I swore I'd never do. I have gained 15 pounds in the past 3 months alone. Prior to that I think I put on 25 pounds last year. I can remember thinking I was fat when I weighed 177lbs. Back then I was only about 25 pounds over my target weight. (note: as I'm typing this a fat commercial came on television. Great. L ) Now, I need to lose close to 85 pounds. I am disgusted with and at myself. Sometimes I think, "Why bother?" or "You'll never make it up the first hill." I know I shouldn't think that way but when you get out of breath from just making the bed, it seems more truthful than hurtful.
I WANT to get in shape. Well, the truth is, I want to want to. I want to wake up and be in shape without having to put forth the effort and the deprivation. I hate being hungry. I also hate cooking a big meal every night or having to turn down a Firehouse Sub or Burger King. It's so hard. I know I need to focus my energies and frustrations into exercising. I just dread the sweating and the pain. I know there will be lots of pain.
My biggest food enemy is the potato. Mashed potatoes, French fries, kettle cooked chips, scalloped potatoes, fried potatoes, hashbrowns, tater tots, baked potatoes, and vodka. Beer is a close second with wine being third. I could live on potatoes and beer for a long time and be very happy. I'd probably weigh about 500 pounds but I could truly eat nothing but potatoes and drink beer. Pasta and breads are too yummy too. I need to get off of carbs. I think I'm addicted to carbohydrates. It's depressing. I want to stay strong and make this diet and exercise program work. I want to get out of the kitchen, off my ass and outside and WALK. Whether I succeed or fail is UP TO ME. I don't want to sabotage myself even secretly so I can say oh I'm too fat to go hike the AT, oh well. I don't want to give up on this … or on myself. I feel like I'm at a critical point in my life right now, this year is a turning point for me. I also feel like I can DO IT if I just try. I feel like I am ready to accomplish something and do well for a change.